How to be Awesome

I constantly get asked the same question; "Maria, what exactly makes you so awesome?". With the help of Paris Hilton's "Confessions of an Heiress", as well as discussions with my mother and some deep soul searching, I finally came up with an answer. Here goes!


1) Be brunette, but act blond. The thing about brunettes is that we can be very intelligent when we need to; we know our way around the world, and we're down with doing research when we're curious about something. However, at the same time, we can be all cutesy and helpless when we need to in order to get our way or get out of doing things we don't want to do. Your intelligence will shine through and make you more hot in the end though, so don't worry about pretending to not know how to operate a leaf blower to get out of helping your parents with yard work. Just make sure that you get good grades and impress people with your random facts about sustainability in the environment. Paris Hilton said it best; nowadays, a girl who knows what she's doing and has a career makes her package a whole lot more attractive!

2) When you wear makeup, people shouldn't know you're wearing it. You have to be good enough at it that you look flawless so your natural beauty shines through. People think I don't wear makeup, and that I'm just naturally gorgeous. Well, I am, but you know, everyone needs a little help here and there. Never ever ever put eyeliner under your eye, at least not more than halfway, or wear mascara. That's so desperate. You might as well just cake on orange self tanner and wear a T shirt that says, "Desperate". Have some confidence, girl; you don't need all that warpaint!

3. Don't follow fashion rules down to the core. Get a few cute things that are trendy, but make them your own. I think that anything goes; there's no such thing as a fashion do or don't. If you look cute, you look cute! I once had a gay man at Bumble and Bumble hair salon in NYC say to me, "Sweetie, you look so supercute but lose that headband!". Well guess what; I don't care if headbands are out; I love them. Don't care what other people think, and never, ever try to fit a certain trend set (punk, prep, sporty, etc...). Do your thing. Make sure that it's always flattering and cute. Sweats are cute! I go to the radio station Fridays in my PJ's. But who am I kidding? We always look cute, we're girls. Guys love us no matter what we wear. Don't dress supersexy if you're trying to impress a boy; it's desperate. They like it when we look laid back rather than uncomfortable. Trust me.

4. Have as much fun as possible, especially on Thursday nights. Be a crazy nutball, and don't care if other people are going to think you're on drugs although you are completely sober. They're jealous because you look hot and all eyes are on you, and they're not confident enough to break out of their shell and have a great time. Walk in like you know everybody there. Remember, if you feel super confident, it'll shine right through, and everyone will think you're hot. Don't get drunk. Being sloppy is NOT cute, and neither is waking up next to a guy whose name you can't remember. Instead, drink an energy drink or something so you have more energy to dance. Besides, it's funnier to watch the sloppy people, and you won't mess up your hair.

5) Don't let any gross guys try to take advantage of you; ew. Not even if he's really hot. Nobody wants a reputation or needs what he's trying to give you. It's fun to flirt and get attention and play with guys, but don't let it get too far. Never go into a guy's room that you don't know really really well. I once walked a drunk guy back to his room to make sure nothing bad happened to him, and he told me that walking him back to his room meant he had a free coupon to make out with me! Gross. Unless we're dating, I definitely want nothing to do with your spit! Anyway, have fun, but don't seem desperate. Be careful, but Flirt flirt flirt! My mom always tells me; guys are an extracurricular activity. Have fun with it, but don't take it too seriously. You're young!

6) Have a best friend. It's better if she's a girl, one that is a crazy nutjob just like you that you can have a ton of fun with and bring anywhere. Share the attention with her; be her wingwoman from time to time. Be with her all the time; make people think you're a package deal. Have thousands of inside jokes, know everything about each other, and be there for each other at 4 am when you guys are upset. Better yet, stay up till 6 am, go to Gabby's Deli on 107, get breakfast, and then fall asleep feeling much better. They should see one of you girls and automatically think of the other one. She has to look hot. Your girls are the most important people in your life; "Hold on to your friends, cuz you know that's all you've got in the end and you can't run away without a team to back you!".

7) Have things you always say. "That's Hot!", "Loves It", "OD"!, "Ugh...", "peace gorgeous", "Awesome!", "YOU JERK!". People will pick up on it, and learn your language in order to more effectively communicate with you. Hot.

8) If you just plain don't want to deal with people, go incognito. Put your hood on your head and put on your oversize sunglasses. Walk with your shoulder angled at the wall as you pass people by. This is good for walks of shame (which Awesome Maria never does!), taking public transportation, or if you're just having an off day but you need to go to the Caf to eat. Make sure you have a on lip gloss at all times. Preferably pink, any berry flavor.

9) Having dimples lets you get away with lots more than girls who don't have them can get away with. One will do, but having them on both sides is key. Practice poses that look good. If you see a cute guy, practice being his boyfriend. Make him stop in the hallway, and do various poses around him. Have your best friend determine how you look together. Bid him a good day and move along.

10) Do charity work. Work for a local homeless shelter, nonprofits, and save the planet. Recycling is very very important. Collect your carbonated beverage containers and get your Five Cents back. Use those envirofriendly light bulbs, and turn the lights and TV off when you leave a room. Start a recycling campaign in your school. Drag the man in charge of the Student Union around the building with you at 10 o clock at night and make sure he turns out all the lights in the multipurpose rooms. Loves it.

11) Never talk about money. It's nobody's business's, and it's boring. There's plenty more important things to talk about. Talk about serious intellectual stuff, but not too long. Just long enough so people take your seriously and see your brain. Then go back to being cute.

12) Don't be too dumb. Otherwise, people will start to think you actually ARE dumb. Just enough to be flirty, get out of things, and get your way. People always fawn over girls who seem helpless. Human Nature, isn't it hot? Make sure to get at least a 3.5 GPA. It's cool to be smart. Velma from Scooby Doo was a hottie in the live action film. Study! Just make sure you get out there and party, too.

13) Haters are usually hating because their jealous. Jealous people stink. Let them get over themselves, and ignore it. If someone's mean to you, it's because they're jealous. Duh. Just put on those hater blocker shades and move on. If a girl calls you a loser because you don't go to the club on Thursday Nights and dance with random guys you've never met before, and gets drunk underage and in public, that makes her the loser. Ask her to produce her resume. Does she have an internship with the Maury Povich Show on it? Is she going anywhere with her life? Who's the looser now?

14) Most importantly, be in love with yourself. Remember that you are a strong and powerful woman, unique, and absolutely gorgeous. No one can mess with you. You're kind of a big deal. Put yourself first, and do what makes you happy. Don't worry about what other people want from you. Worry about what you want from yourself. Listen to what people ask of you or whatever directions they give you, then do what you want your own way.

Peace, Gorgeouses!!!

.:Awesome Maria:.